It's been a while since I've been on here...obviously. Life has been this whirlwind of unexpected craziness. I think every person needs that time in their life where they really test the waters, meet new people, try new things, just really LIVE and figure out who they are, what they want, where they are going. My whole life I have been trying to "Do the right thing" to get people's approval, whether it be my family or society or whatever and you know, sometimes that isn't the road you're suppose to take. Sometimes it's OK to make what someone else considers a mistake, because no one knows you better than you. No one knows what you are feeling, where you wanna go, what you need to do to feel alright with your life. I am just so tired of seeking what others believe is my path when it hasn't gotten me very far. I'm happy, excited and ready for what's next.

As the year started I was hoping to have the feeling of that clean slate, the hopes of making less mistakes and listening more to the lessons I've "learned". I just think it is all so confusing, I really don't know who I am, where I'm going, what lies ahead. I thought I could get this all figured out...I thought dating some seriously loser guys might keep me occupied....I'm wrong. All that does is break me down, make me feel worthless in the process. I go out with my girls and then you see those same loser guys, the small town drama, the not knowing what lies ahead. Being a severe control freak, this is rough, really rough. I need to learn to let the past be in the past, to figure this mess out on my own terms, in my own time, and stop worrying so much. I just don't know how, I don't know what road to take! There has been so much pain, so much disappointment, so much hurt, and I'm unsure if after all I've been through that it all is going to keep me broken. Like I have no hope of waking up from this bad dream. I miss my life, I miss my true friends, I miss the life I had before I gave it all away for "Marital Bliss". I'm mad at Peter, I'm angry with him for taking those 5 years away from me, for getting me wrapped up in such a mess. I didn't ask for this mess, and I don't like how insecure it has made me. I just need to know how to move on...and there are so many mornings where I hope I just can stay asleep until it all gets better. I know that isn't the key...I just wish someone would hand me that damn key, because this is getting old...mundane...uneasy...and the sadness is overwhelming a lot of the time...

second chances....

So, it seems I have a second chance with my future. The last four years were a loss. . .or at least a loss in terms of my dreams. But I learned a lot—a lot of what not to do! At least now I am more aware of what I want in my life. And, never again will I let anyone take my dreams from me. I am back to the real Nicki and I like myself this way.

I'm looking forward to my new life--making it the best. I want to finish my education. I want to travel—maybe Peru and Vienna again. I want to buy a Mini-Cooper and a historic condo in Missoula and furnish it with my stuff. I want to enjoy my friends and laugh and dance and love with passion.

I want to draw and paint and play the piano. I want to dress up in pretty clothes. I want to skydive, and fly-fish with my dad. I want to fall down laughing—at least once a day. I want to fall in love and have babies—lots of babies. I want to teach them things and love them unconditionally forever.

So, am I asking too much? Don't tell me it's not possible 'cuz I'm gonna make it possible! I'm taking my second chance and making it the best. I will not settle for anything less than the very best of it all. Yes, my new life will be different.

It's been a while...

So the past oh...three weeks have been...different. Very different. I have in no way been myself...I've been making these futile attempts to fill my time with people and places which are anything but good enough for me, let alone for my best interests. The men I choose to surround myself with, whether they are "just friends", dating, flirting, whatever are really nothing short of just...pathetic!! I am so disappointed in my life right now, the choices I've made, the road that is in front of me is daunting. I'm going through things I never ever thought I'd be going through, let alone at 24! I'm at such a LOW point right now that I feel like I'm clinging to those things, which aren't real, just needing them to be a form of something. But now I realize that depending on others for my happiness, jumping into these emotional rollercoaster’s with people who do not have my best interest at mind is my fault. I've had this childish need for attention, allowing others to effect me with condescending words and turning into a insecure, selfish wreck!!



So that is how I am, confused, lonely, fearful of what is ahead of me. But when you come across wisdom it is important to share and I feel as though God has granted me so much wisdom from so many people and the advice can be summed up in this quote



"So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble & fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever imagined! Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end the journey is the destination."

Why?

So, when a woman is continually hurt by the man she cares for, is it reasonable to think that her feelings are not reciprocated? I mean, let’s face it, if a guy doesn’t want to spend time with a woman, it pretty much shouts he’s not interested, right?!? So, why then does he continue to call? Why does he continue to play on her feelings, making her wonder what he feels? Is it all just a game men play? Does it boost a man’s ego to have a woman fall in love with him?

Why is it that men and women cannot communicate their feelings to one another? Are they afraid the other person does not feel the same way—that they will play the fool? I for one will not put my feelings out there until I know that the man I love feels the same way. I’ve been burned before—why would I be foolish again? And, I for one believe that the man in the relationship needs to be the first to say ‘I love you’.

Why can’t things just be black and white? Why do we have to wonder WHY people do what they do? Is there some big psychological reason he doesn’t love me, blah, blah, blah? Why can’t people just do what they feel? If they love someone, then love that person. If they don’t care, then don’t act like they care. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Then we would know where we stand with everyone. I hate these games we play.

A chapter....

So, I’ve always wondered—if a woman is crazy over a man, is it logical that the man is crazy for her? Does a woman really let herself fall in love if she isn’t getting the same signals back? And, what kind of signals does a man send—the same as a woman? How is a woman to know if he loves her or just wants her for the moment? Are we all too naïve to know if we’re just being taken advantage of. I mean is there an instruction book out there or something?

Questions for that book:

• Is being in love the same as finding someone totally irresistible?

• Can something so intensely intriguing end as unexpectedly as it began?

• So, does the instruction book state that men can end a relationship without even an explanation or a ‘good-bye’ while women must cry and wonder what went wrong. Rule: Men can go on with their lives as if nothing happened, while women must struggle with self-confidence, surround themselves with their friends for support, and swear to never fall in love again.

I’d like to get my hands on that book!

Philosophy

Ok so here is today's deal. I had the day off, and was soooo busy all day, however I'm not sure really what I did all day! Cleaned a little, shopped a little, gossiped a little...hmm. I have noticed that when it comes to women, we really don't have much going for us....walk into a room, listen to the conversations that groups of young women are having. I can almost guarentee that it revolves around Shopping, Men, the dreaded past relationships and other girls that they don't like. This is truly pathetic people! I mean come on, there is sooo much more to life than this! Don't get me wrong, I love those topics as much as the next girl, but women are SMART if they want to be!! Why not discuss current events, groundbreaking moments, favorite books, something...I mean really...So girls, listen up, this is what we are talking about from now on...And maybe we should all take up my philosophy on dating

Here's my philosophy on dating. It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, and somebody that, you know..turns you on....And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other.