As the year started I was hoping to have the feeling of that clean slate, the hopes of making less mistakes and listening more to the lessons I've "learned". I just think it is all so confusing, I really don't know who I am, where I'm going, what lies ahead. I thought I could get this all figured out...I thought dating some seriously loser guys might keep me occupied....I'm wrong. All that does is break me down, make me feel worthless in the process. I go out with my girls and then you see those same loser guys, the small town drama, the not knowing what lies ahead. Being a severe control freak, this is rough, really rough. I need to learn to let the past be in the past, to figure this mess out on my own terms, in my own time, and stop worrying so much. I just don't know how, I don't know what road to take! There has been so much pain, so much disappointment, so much hurt, and I'm unsure if after all I've been through that it all is going to keep me broken. Like I have no hope of waking up from this bad dream. I miss my life, I miss my true friends, I miss the life I had before I gave it all away for "Marital Bliss". I'm mad at Peter, I'm angry with him for taking those 5 years away from me, for getting me wrapped up in such a mess. I didn't ask for this mess, and I don't like how insecure it has made me. I just need to know how to move on...and there are so many mornings where I hope I just can stay asleep until it all gets better. I know that isn't the key...I just wish someone would hand me that damn key, because this is getting old...mundane...uneasy...and the sadness is overwhelming a lot of the time...
