second chances....

So, it seems I have a second chance with my future. The last four years were a loss. . .or at least a loss in terms of my dreams. But I learned a lot—a lot of what not to do! At least now I am more aware of what I want in my life. And, never again will I let anyone take my dreams from me. I am back to the real Nicki and I like myself this way.

I'm looking forward to my new life--making it the best. I want to finish my education. I want to travel—maybe Peru and Vienna again. I want to buy a Mini-Cooper and a historic condo in Missoula and furnish it with my stuff. I want to enjoy my friends and laugh and dance and love with passion.

I want to draw and paint and play the piano. I want to dress up in pretty clothes. I want to skydive, and fly-fish with my dad. I want to fall down laughing—at least once a day. I want to fall in love and have babies—lots of babies. I want to teach them things and love them unconditionally forever.

So, am I asking too much? Don't tell me it's not possible 'cuz I'm gonna make it possible! I'm taking my second chance and making it the best. I will not settle for anything less than the very best of it all. Yes, my new life will be different.

It's been a while...

So the past oh...three weeks have been...different. Very different. I have in no way been myself...I've been making these futile attempts to fill my time with people and places which are anything but good enough for me, let alone for my best interests. The men I choose to surround myself with, whether they are "just friends", dating, flirting, whatever are really nothing short of just...pathetic!! I am so disappointed in my life right now, the choices I've made, the road that is in front of me is daunting. I'm going through things I never ever thought I'd be going through, let alone at 24! I'm at such a LOW point right now that I feel like I'm clinging to those things, which aren't real, just needing them to be a form of something. But now I realize that depending on others for my happiness, jumping into these emotional rollercoaster’s with people who do not have my best interest at mind is my fault. I've had this childish need for attention, allowing others to effect me with condescending words and turning into a insecure, selfish wreck!!



So that is how I am, confused, lonely, fearful of what is ahead of me. But when you come across wisdom it is important to share and I feel as though God has granted me so much wisdom from so many people and the advice can be summed up in this quote



"So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble & fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever imagined! Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end the journey is the destination."