To those lonely boys...

Ok...so I'm more convinved than ever that dating right now...or soon...or not so soon is a TERRIBLE idea! I have some great guy friends that are here for me, my girls are nothing short of amazing and then there are these guys who think I am DYING to date them...which is slightly laughable at this point in my life. So okay, guys  in need of a clue (that is most of you). Here's one--for free. Women send signals.Usually it's a brush off. Before you dip into your shallow pool of wit let me paint us a picture and save us both the trouble. Here's your evening. After you realize you're not getting my number you are going to slink back off to your buddies, laugh this off, get wasted, go home, and make nice with yourself. But don't be thinking of me, because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in you....I've been through a lot, and I am learning what is best for me right now...and finding the "love of my life" isn't my top priority ANY time soon...

Things I've learned...

1. No matter how alone you feel, someone loves you.

2. Music is just as vital a oxygen.

3. Silence speaks louder than words.

4. Once a Liar, Always a Liar.

5. If you don't understand something, research it, ignorance is far more dangerous than given credit for.

6. Guys will always be complicated, don't insult me and claim otherwise.

7. Ending your day with a hot bath, a glass of wine while listening to Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty Ballet makes stress disappear....

8. If you love someone, just tell them, imagine the time wasted due to pride.

9. Love isn't suppose to be easy, it is suppose to be worth it, if it isn't.....walk away.

10. You're beautiful.

Confused...

I just really do not understand people, at all. People are just this huge gray area and no one seems to be very honest--not with other people, not with themselves. It's like life is this game and whoever gets away with the most wins. I just don't like it, I want this new world where life makes a but more sense, people are a LOT more real and things are more simple. Hope it happens.....but hope  is not my strong suit.

activly listening

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a Utopian citizen
Still convinced there's no such thing as idealism
Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief


this is the beginning of a song by Kate Voegele by the name of  "wish you were"...Anyone who knows me well knows that I take songs and what they truly mean seriously, especially when I can relate to it, or if it takes me back to another time. This song depicts kind of where I've been, and I've been working through a lot of stuff lately, and feel as though I am making some form of progress.

I did something so out of character for me, I allowed myself to open up to new people, I chose to be confident instead of insecure (with the help of Abby of course.....moral support). I've been so low for so long and now, I'm feeling this sense of freedom come over me that is so greatly appreciated despite it slapping me across the face.

I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt and been hurt, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing, I'm enjoying being me right now....

The night is always darkest before the dawn...or something like that

I'm rediscovering the little things in life. Appreciating the beauty of Autumn, the colors, the smells, crisp air, really just all of it is inspiring! I wish it was Autumn always...but then maybe it wouldn't be so special. I had the priviledge of being able to walk around University/Downtown areas of Missoula where you can truly see fall in it's perfect splendor!

N ow that I am home reality hits, someone I care about is having a really tough time and knowing how badly he is hurting is hard to see.

Well tomorrow is going to be a nice, relaxing evening with my girlfriends and I am so excited to be girly and drink a martini with the girls.

I'm exhausted. I don't sleep very well anymore, the classic catch 22 of being tired all day yet wide awake all night. My days seem to be filled with as little effort as possible, while nights are spent thinking about how much I didn't get done that day while watching re-runs of sex and the city. Yes I am lame, I know.

I do however hope to keep reconnecting with all those people I lost contact with. I am doing quite well so far, which has been so much fun! I have the energy for my friendships and if I ever lose that, then whats the point of even being here? I have come to realize if you don't have meaningful friendships, relationships with those that you love, then all the money in the world can't compensate.

So here is to ignoring sleep deprivation, and being productive today.

An Emotional Mess...

Today has been awful, just seriously awful. I feel like everything that could have gone wrong today, did. I guess that is Monday for me, at least Monday is One Tree Hill night, that always makes a bad day have some light at the end of the tunnel.

Through all the crap I've gone through the past couple of months I really do have some amazing people in my life. Every one I know has been hit so hard with so much crap, and even with all of that my girls have been such life-savers! Thanks girls, I appreciate you all so much, and maybe that isn't said enough when so many bad things are going on. However you all mean so much to me, and I know whenever I need a glass of wine and some great gossip, you all will be there for me!

A quick favor would be praying for my friend Abby and her family, her mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer and this is a tough week for her.

Xoxo!

Living Again

So since my past post I would like to just put a few things out there. I am no longer married, or wont be in a few weeks (cross your fingers) and yes, am cool enough to be living at home again with my parents. I'm not complaining, there is no where else I would rather be right now. I am rediscovering my life...living a little, figuring this whole mess out. It is like these past couple of years are just this...haze. Who was I? What happened along the way? How did I end up here? I feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down and then back again!!

So after being judged for the past three years, after the fighting, the hurt, the bad times and everything I am leaving behind, I am open to few new things. I want to spend more time with People who just pretty much make me laugh, but don't care if I cry either. I am so pleased to have such great people in my life. I want to have a martini on a weeknight, I want to dance even if there is no music on, I want to be capable of everything that is out there. I want to go skydiving, I want to fly fish, I want to learn what it is like to actually enjoy living once again. Imagine that!