second chances....

So, it seems I have a second chance with my future. The last four years were a loss. . .or at least a loss in terms of my dreams. But I learned a lot—a lot of what not to do! At least now I am more aware of what I want in my life. And, never again will I let anyone take my dreams from me. I am back to the real Nicki and I like myself this way.

I'm looking forward to my new life--making it the best. I want to finish my education. I want to travel—maybe Peru and Vienna again. I want to buy a Mini-Cooper and a historic condo in Missoula and furnish it with my stuff. I want to enjoy my friends and laugh and dance and love with passion.

I want to draw and paint and play the piano. I want to dress up in pretty clothes. I want to skydive, and fly-fish with my dad. I want to fall down laughing—at least once a day. I want to fall in love and have babies—lots of babies. I want to teach them things and love them unconditionally forever.

So, am I asking too much? Don't tell me it's not possible 'cuz I'm gonna make it possible! I'm taking my second chance and making it the best. I will not settle for anything less than the very best of it all. Yes, my new life will be different.

It's been a while...

So the past oh...three weeks have been...different. Very different. I have in no way been myself...I've been making these futile attempts to fill my time with people and places which are anything but good enough for me, let alone for my best interests. The men I choose to surround myself with, whether they are "just friends", dating, flirting, whatever are really nothing short of just...pathetic!! I am so disappointed in my life right now, the choices I've made, the road that is in front of me is daunting. I'm going through things I never ever thought I'd be going through, let alone at 24! I'm at such a LOW point right now that I feel like I'm clinging to those things, which aren't real, just needing them to be a form of something. But now I realize that depending on others for my happiness, jumping into these emotional rollercoaster’s with people who do not have my best interest at mind is my fault. I've had this childish need for attention, allowing others to effect me with condescending words and turning into a insecure, selfish wreck!!



So that is how I am, confused, lonely, fearful of what is ahead of me. But when you come across wisdom it is important to share and I feel as though God has granted me so much wisdom from so many people and the advice can be summed up in this quote



"So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble & fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever imagined! Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end the journey is the destination."

Why?

So, when a woman is continually hurt by the man she cares for, is it reasonable to think that her feelings are not reciprocated? I mean, let’s face it, if a guy doesn’t want to spend time with a woman, it pretty much shouts he’s not interested, right?!? So, why then does he continue to call? Why does he continue to play on her feelings, making her wonder what he feels? Is it all just a game men play? Does it boost a man’s ego to have a woman fall in love with him?

Why is it that men and women cannot communicate their feelings to one another? Are they afraid the other person does not feel the same way—that they will play the fool? I for one will not put my feelings out there until I know that the man I love feels the same way. I’ve been burned before—why would I be foolish again? And, I for one believe that the man in the relationship needs to be the first to say ‘I love you’.

Why can’t things just be black and white? Why do we have to wonder WHY people do what they do? Is there some big psychological reason he doesn’t love me, blah, blah, blah? Why can’t people just do what they feel? If they love someone, then love that person. If they don’t care, then don’t act like they care. Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Then we would know where we stand with everyone. I hate these games we play.

A chapter....

So, I’ve always wondered—if a woman is crazy over a man, is it logical that the man is crazy for her? Does a woman really let herself fall in love if she isn’t getting the same signals back? And, what kind of signals does a man send—the same as a woman? How is a woman to know if he loves her or just wants her for the moment? Are we all too naïve to know if we’re just being taken advantage of. I mean is there an instruction book out there or something?

Questions for that book:

• Is being in love the same as finding someone totally irresistible?

• Can something so intensely intriguing end as unexpectedly as it began?

• So, does the instruction book state that men can end a relationship without even an explanation or a ‘good-bye’ while women must cry and wonder what went wrong. Rule: Men can go on with their lives as if nothing happened, while women must struggle with self-confidence, surround themselves with their friends for support, and swear to never fall in love again.

I’d like to get my hands on that book!

Philosophy

Ok so here is today's deal. I had the day off, and was soooo busy all day, however I'm not sure really what I did all day! Cleaned a little, shopped a little, gossiped a little...hmm. I have noticed that when it comes to women, we really don't have much going for us....walk into a room, listen to the conversations that groups of young women are having. I can almost guarentee that it revolves around Shopping, Men, the dreaded past relationships and other girls that they don't like. This is truly pathetic people! I mean come on, there is sooo much more to life than this! Don't get me wrong, I love those topics as much as the next girl, but women are SMART if they want to be!! Why not discuss current events, groundbreaking moments, favorite books, something...I mean really...So girls, listen up, this is what we are talking about from now on...And maybe we should all take up my philosophy on dating

Here's my philosophy on dating. It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, and somebody that, you know..turns you on....And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other.

Passion and perseverence...

pas.sion [pash-uhn]

–noun 1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3. strong sexual desire; lust.



This is the most commonly associated ideal one thinks of while the word "Passion" flashes across your mind. Some amazing connection with another person, intense, exciting...all of the heat you see in the movies. That is what I have been deciding I want...but here is my question....is it possible to have a serious and passionate relationship with respect and adoration all at the same time? So far...in my 24 vast years of experience, I am thinking ... not so much. I'm not sure I've ever had both...I've been in a passionless companionship, and I've been in this lustful, abstract relationship-like thing...both of which left me completely unsatisfied in one form or another. I'm so confused! Is there any kind of happy medium out there? Is it possible to have this deep connection with someone and still have that electric connection, or is it one or the other? I sort of hate the thought of only having one in my life. I truly hope there is some form of both which can meld into this perfect thing.



I'm not saying that I want this perfect relationship right now, nor anytime soon. I am enjoying reclaiming my quasi-independence, and setting goals and hoping to meet them in the not-so-distant future. So that’s me...Just someone who hopes to find that person who can meet all of her perfect prerequisites....

mistakes...

I've been thinking a lot about what our end goal should be....what the point of this whole stupid mess is....all I know is my list of mistakes just keep getting grander and grander....and a bit more silly with each day....People seem to always say 'Everything happens for a reason.' These people are usually women. And these women are usually sorting through a break-up. It seems that men can get out of a relationship without even a 'Goodbye,' But, apparently, women have to either get married or learn something. Then again maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. So maybe, just maybe, instead of worrying what is going to happen in the end, we should concentrate on today...today is only here once.

To those lonely boys...

Ok...so I'm more convinved than ever that dating right now...or soon...or not so soon is a TERRIBLE idea! I have some great guy friends that are here for me, my girls are nothing short of amazing and then there are these guys who think I am DYING to date them...which is slightly laughable at this point in my life. So okay, guys  in need of a clue (that is most of you). Here's one--for free. Women send signals.Usually it's a brush off. Before you dip into your shallow pool of wit let me paint us a picture and save us both the trouble. Here's your evening. After you realize you're not getting my number you are going to slink back off to your buddies, laugh this off, get wasted, go home, and make nice with yourself. But don't be thinking of me, because even your fantasy of me, isn't interested in you....I've been through a lot, and I am learning what is best for me right now...and finding the "love of my life" isn't my top priority ANY time soon...

Things I've learned...

1. No matter how alone you feel, someone loves you.

2. Music is just as vital a oxygen.

3. Silence speaks louder than words.

4. Once a Liar, Always a Liar.

5. If you don't understand something, research it, ignorance is far more dangerous than given credit for.

6. Guys will always be complicated, don't insult me and claim otherwise.

7. Ending your day with a hot bath, a glass of wine while listening to Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty Ballet makes stress disappear....

8. If you love someone, just tell them, imagine the time wasted due to pride.

9. Love isn't suppose to be easy, it is suppose to be worth it, if it isn't.....walk away.

10. You're beautiful.

Confused...

I just really do not understand people, at all. People are just this huge gray area and no one seems to be very honest--not with other people, not with themselves. It's like life is this game and whoever gets away with the most wins. I just don't like it, I want this new world where life makes a but more sense, people are a LOT more real and things are more simple. Hope it happens.....but hope  is not my strong suit.

activly listening

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a Utopian citizen
Still convinced there's no such thing as idealism
Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief


this is the beginning of a song by Kate Voegele by the name of  "wish you were"...Anyone who knows me well knows that I take songs and what they truly mean seriously, especially when I can relate to it, or if it takes me back to another time. This song depicts kind of where I've been, and I've been working through a lot of stuff lately, and feel as though I am making some form of progress.

I did something so out of character for me, I allowed myself to open up to new people, I chose to be confident instead of insecure (with the help of Abby of course.....moral support). I've been so low for so long and now, I'm feeling this sense of freedom come over me that is so greatly appreciated despite it slapping me across the face.

I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt and been hurt, but at the end of the day, I wouldn't change a thing, I'm enjoying being me right now....

The night is always darkest before the dawn...or something like that

I'm rediscovering the little things in life. Appreciating the beauty of Autumn, the colors, the smells, crisp air, really just all of it is inspiring! I wish it was Autumn always...but then maybe it wouldn't be so special. I had the priviledge of being able to walk around University/Downtown areas of Missoula where you can truly see fall in it's perfect splendor!

N ow that I am home reality hits, someone I care about is having a really tough time and knowing how badly he is hurting is hard to see.

Well tomorrow is going to be a nice, relaxing evening with my girlfriends and I am so excited to be girly and drink a martini with the girls.

I'm exhausted. I don't sleep very well anymore, the classic catch 22 of being tired all day yet wide awake all night. My days seem to be filled with as little effort as possible, while nights are spent thinking about how much I didn't get done that day while watching re-runs of sex and the city. Yes I am lame, I know.

I do however hope to keep reconnecting with all those people I lost contact with. I am doing quite well so far, which has been so much fun! I have the energy for my friendships and if I ever lose that, then whats the point of even being here? I have come to realize if you don't have meaningful friendships, relationships with those that you love, then all the money in the world can't compensate.

So here is to ignoring sleep deprivation, and being productive today.

An Emotional Mess...

Today has been awful, just seriously awful. I feel like everything that could have gone wrong today, did. I guess that is Monday for me, at least Monday is One Tree Hill night, that always makes a bad day have some light at the end of the tunnel.

Through all the crap I've gone through the past couple of months I really do have some amazing people in my life. Every one I know has been hit so hard with so much crap, and even with all of that my girls have been such life-savers! Thanks girls, I appreciate you all so much, and maybe that isn't said enough when so many bad things are going on. However you all mean so much to me, and I know whenever I need a glass of wine and some great gossip, you all will be there for me!

A quick favor would be praying for my friend Abby and her family, her mom has been diagnosed with breast cancer and this is a tough week for her.

Xoxo!

Living Again

So since my past post I would like to just put a few things out there. I am no longer married, or wont be in a few weeks (cross your fingers) and yes, am cool enough to be living at home again with my parents. I'm not complaining, there is no where else I would rather be right now. I am rediscovering my life...living a little, figuring this whole mess out. It is like these past couple of years are just this...haze. Who was I? What happened along the way? How did I end up here? I feel like my whole world has been flipped upside down and then back again!!

So after being judged for the past three years, after the fighting, the hurt, the bad times and everything I am leaving behind, I am open to few new things. I want to spend more time with People who just pretty much make me laugh, but don't care if I cry either. I am so pleased to have such great people in my life. I want to have a martini on a weeknight, I want to dance even if there is no music on, I want to be capable of everything that is out there. I want to go skydiving, I want to fly fish, I want to learn what it is like to actually enjoy living once again. Imagine that!

A positive Light....

So lately I have been thinking about how negative everyone is.  turn on the news, all you hear is one politician bashing another, how gas prices are killing us as well as the devastation that awaits each of us around every corner, maybe in the form of economic oppression, or a natural disaster. I think it is awful how typical it is for one person to hate another for just who they want to vote for, or the color of their skin, or their religious beliefs. I just don't understand why each of us doesn't do our best to be the best we can be on a daily basis. There older I get, the more I chose not to allow these evils into my world. 

I choose to live my life around the things that make me happy. Friendships, Family, Fabric...those are the things that keep me happy. Jesus is my strength, and I live for Him, so why bog down the beauty of Life and helping others with the negativity of the Associated Press and their evils? 

Surround yourself with the things you love. Be the best person you can be and do all you can to help those that you love!

Today is now over…becoming yesterday in just a few moments. Thank God for letting the sun set today. We have had such a hard time with Peter getting through school and I feel blessed to have this under out belt. He has a couple of classes this summer and then, viola, he is done!
I feel as though we are always hurrying up to wait. I don’t want those feelings of “just get through ________” and everything will work out. After July I pray may faith grows even deeper in knowing that God will provide for us, no matter what.

Quilt market starts soon! We are in the middle of the highest stress level that my work has to offer. Very exciting though, 10 more days and I will be done with that crunch and we will be able to go on a mini-vacation! Hooray!!

Spring is in the air...finally

So my house is totally torn apart, this seems to be a recurring event in my home. Every spring, as society requests, I feel the need to remove all of the items in my house I haven't used in the past year. Now--for a normal person this may be an easy task, however I own fabric--for those of you who do not, you do not know the attachment that comes from the different pieces of art. I have just resigned myself to accepting that I can not give them away, it is selfishness in 
truest form. So immediately this puts a dent in my "clearing" situation.

Next I decide to sort through my magazines, indexing each one I like by ripping it from the magazine and filing it away in a binder. Now ripped up magazine shreds are all over my living room floor. 

Now I go on to pulling every item I own out of a shelf, drawer, or nook and cranny and place these items into categorized piles. So there is literally no hope for my house looking like a home...more like a sick treasure
trove of useless stuff, tons of clothes and every unfinished hobby ever thought of. 

What I am trying to get to is that Spring cleaning is a terrible idea, we should all make a list and have a non-biased party come in, read the list of things we wish to keep and promptly remove the rest.  My house has crap everywhere--with trails leading from room to room, and my inspiration for cleaning has abruptly left. I now choose to lay on my sofa and eat bon-bons while watching LMN movies....

Maybe I'll watch Martha Stewart tomorrow and hope she can inspire me to finish before the weekend.

Any non-biased party interested in starting a bon-fire and throwing my stuff in it?